...stuck in that place effort goes to hide while dreaming of success.

It would seem the residual mood of February followed me into March. I’m here again late as always lying to myself that I won’t be late again on the 30th of April but I think we’ve all lost faith in me. March to me was just a collection of internal motivational speeches and telling myself, “don’t think that”, we played a close game in March, my mind and I.

The beginning of march was still Ramadan and all the activities that came with it. I got invited for an iftar thingy and at this point I was making preparations for eid also. I had a vision of how I wanted my Eid to be like and due to how I had been feeling I decided to travel. I say travel like it’s some big journey but I just went to Minna to be with the desserts. I figured I might as well go where I don’t have enough silence to think about things that I don’t want to think about.

It was around the middle of March that I cemented my conviction of changing the state of my interactions with people. Like I said (probably in January’s review) excluding actual material goals (which is going great by the way), I am also working on character goals and I’m slowly realizing it’s not an easy thing but I also know that working on it now will save me a lot of turmoil in the future. So I took bigger steps than I was taking in January. I won’t say what fast tracked my process (allow me some mystery 🙃) but I would just like to add that pessimism isn’t always a bad thing because it keeps you prepared at least.

Before leaving for Minna, I had hoped that I would have a great time and I did. It seemed like I left everything at home and went with just myself. In Minna, I was around people I was used to celebrating with, I got entertained for the first time in a while. Eid morning felt like the Eid morning from 2010 where the kids were dressed first and the adults slayed later. The outfits I planned were great and I got great pictures. The amount of kids on my phone from that day are alot 😂 but I’m not complaining. The plan was to spend about 5 days in Minna but I returned earlier because why would I resist a free ride 👀?

Then I was back home and it’s no longer Eid and I have tasks and adulting plans to complete. I got sick after returning and skipped a social event but if I’m being honest, I didn’t really want to go anyways, I was still having a social hangover from Eid. In the weird mood I was, there was this day that just made me think. I wrote a substack about it almost immediately, that was how intense the emotion washed over me. It’s titled “It’s just a lid”. It’s bitter sweet how something simple can trigger a cascade of thoughts that label that task forever.

March might have been my last month before I’m bombarded with a series of busy weekends and weekdays because from everything planned, I see my April and May being packed with peopling. Since we are in April, I can tell you that it's definitely packed. I’ve been winging it though and having fun dressing up even though I knock out at night like someone that spent the day at a farm.

Even though it was heavy and barely had anything apart from Eid and confusion, March was still a learning experience. I somehow learnt to listen to myself, battle guilt and know when to step away silently from a situation and that I’ll count as progress.