...
Keeping my hopes at bay
Always hovering at the door
Or close to a window
...

The last time I did something like this, I was dodgy. I told you I was late but I still backdated the post. Today writing just after sahur I think I'll just leave the true date.

February was a lot of things but simple isn't one of those things. In a way it was also not complex, more confusing. The type where you're feeling great one day and feeling not so great another day. I would love to tell you that this update will be only about February but I'm writing in March, so like it or not, March might affect my train of thoughts, but I'll try my best to keep it as February exclusive as I can.

The month started low, I was really not feeling it. Somehow I think the lack of a standard weather affected me or not, I don't even know anymore. I was in bed a lot, procrastinating (at this point, maybe it should count as a hobby) and doom scrolling cliche plots on youtube and not being part of reality. The weather was a little hot and Ramadan prep started in full swing. For the first week of February, I was running on backup power and vibes.

By the second week, I had gotten much better. I was out and about, getting fresh air, doing things I've always wanted to do for myself. I really felt like I was finally working on updating my personality like I wanted to in January (new year resolution and all that stuff). This week I also revamped my workspace to make it more comfortable and even though I still didn't work on some important stuff I wanted to work on, I was generally feeling good about myself and that I'll count as a win. I was even able to start my Arabic lessons once again and downloaded Doulingo for some support.

And then came Ramadan in the third week with feelings of hope, improvement and guilt. Hope that I will be able to do all the things I was using Ramadan as a trigger for, improvement about my plans and maybe on my procrastination and guilt about not being as cheerful as people feel during the blessed month. I started two things in Ramadan that I hope I can continue for the rest of the year and beyond. One, I started my Arabic lessons in full swing. I could give updates on this but I've already said, "No March, Updates", though whether I remember this or not while writing in March is entirely up to fate. Two, I started Qur'an journaling, this is something I've always wanted to do but kept putting off for insignificant but also sort of understandable reasons. I started in February. Somehow I got the idea to also vlog and regretted it almost immediately. This, I can tell you before March, the vlogging stopped and I haven't picked it up again.

After that, it was just me giving myself pep talks on my emotional state and what nots. The nice thing about this month is that harmattan kinda came back and that made fasting easier. I also started this new experiment where I have a yoghurt bowl for Sahur. It lasted 10 days before my body started complaining. I stopped because fasting should not be the time you battle your body 👀 but it was great while it lasted, I was filled throughout the day.

The last week was really just a blur, I can't remember feeling anything except being a little bit angrier than I would like to be. I also carried around this guilt of not being in a good mood since Ramadan started and frankly it hasn't improved much. I've just been padding myself with other activities and trying not to think about it.

And that's it about February, I achieved some stuff, I managed weird fluctuations and thoughts I don't even want to indulge. Although I would like to say, I came out stronger, No, I came out confused and still am but I also believe confusion can give birth to better things or at least I hope so. It's still interesting that February is always my customary month of melancholy.